Haven't updated my blog lately, well that's because over the past months, I don't have a love life, it's all good.  But then when my ex came back, the drama came in again.  I can't understand the relationship.  I get angry easily.  I always fight with him over stupid things, or I kept repeating the things he did to me.  Well, he really showed me lately that he's doing an effort just to be with me, he was struggling should I say.  So , I gave him another chance.  But I don't know, now that he's in my life.  I just thought that things won't change. 

There are just things that we can't jive.  But i love him.  He loves me too soo much. But I think there's lacking.  I don't know if I'm too perfectionist but there's not a day that I would get mad at him for some reasons.  I don't know if I'm happy enough or I don't really know.  I'm always over analyzing things.  Or maybe it's time for me to just be with another relationship.  I do care about him a lot, and so is he.... but I can't help sometimes but be paranoid of things.  When I do this , my bf would get so emotional and just try to cut  everytime I try to tell him that I want to just let go of him.  He's my first love and maybe if I should try someone out there then things would be great and that I don't keep on crying on random times.  I know my bf has his flaws but I can't just take it,, because i'm too good for him and I keep looking on his negative aspects.  I know this will sabotage our relationship, especially him cuz I end up being a nagger because he was once stupid before.  And I know right now he keeps trying to correct those mistakes but I'm not satisfied. 

Lots of people are saying that I should just let go and just ignore him but I am not doing it, I did once but once he came back I always accept him back.  I think I'm a bit stupid.  I know he's got problems with his family too, that's why he can't think straight and can affect sometimes our relationship.  I know he wants a person who will love him wholeheartedly, I can do it, but he's got an attitude that sometimes I couldn't take.  I don't know if the problem is with me or with him.  I always break up with him but we always got back together too.  I know he sacrificed a lot since then with the way I treated him.  I don't treat him good cuz he did bad things before.  Aside from that, he can't get a job, he doesn't have enough money to treat me somewhere else .  Sometimes we're stuck up at our house doing nothing also cuz he doesnt' want to go out, he kept visiting me at home but it's gets really boring cuz he can't take me to places to unwind ourselves.  He won't even bring a snack for me or a surprise gift.  Sometimes I got the money for my allowance but I couldn't just treat him elsewhere cuz I'm a girl, it's his responsible as a guy to get that for me.  I don't want also to end up providing for him or providing something for a date.  That's just so unfair too.  But one thing that sticks me to him is his being true to me, the way he showed how much he loves me.  But what's up with that, if he won't do something for himself to make me proud of him.  Sighhhh I just thought that when I finally graduate and he can't still find a job I would really let go of him for good.  I don't care if I hurt him.  But it's too stupid if by the time it comes I'd be the breadwinner and just spend my money for everything.  Sighhh

Ok so just today, I didn't know my ex is coming back here for me?  Well, the last time he talked to me he said he want to settle things and wanna come back because he can't take the pressure there working his butt.  He said he won't go back there anymore, because he realized I am more important than anyone else.  Mind you, I was soooo mad at him, I find him so annoying because he kept bugging me.  And early this time, about lunch time, he called me up that he's just arrived and that he wants to talk to me personally.  I was surprised also when his friend texted me saying that my bf went to their house and talk to them about me.  I lied to my bf that I'm out of town and that I'm coming back by June.  Well, by end of this month I would really leave here because I have an affiliation to do at school.  He won't believe me even if I was explaining to him, he really insisted that he wants to talk to me.  He never stopped calling, even if I was rejecting all his calls.  So, I told him once and for all on the text that "we're over, there's nothing he can do to change my mind" I don't love him and I hate him.  I even cursed him.  But he won't listen, cuz all he wants is just to talk to me.  But I don't want to give him a chance.  My head aches because all the time I was with my family, we were at the mall shopping some goods, he kept calling me.  Ughhhhh.  I really really hate it.  I want to cut all the ties with him.  I don't want to change my number though cuz I've changed for 3 times already and I'm too lazy to announce to everyone and forward messages to all about my new number. 

I told him that I'd be back by June.  He said he would wait for me.  He said even if for me we're already over, for him it's not, he still has the right.  I was like how come? we're not even married that you have the right?  He still hopes for us.  But I don't want him anymore because of all the mistakes he did.  To him, no matter how mean I am, he really wants me forever and he said I'm the person that he wanted to marry. 

What does he really want? Should I give him a chance to talk to me or not?  I really hate him now. 

I don't want to see his face, begging for me and asking for a chance again, cuz I'm so tired of it.  I wanna move on. 

Yeah, they say it’s hard to move on especially when someone dearest to you has hurt you a lot, but I tell you not in my case, my secret to getting over someone is not to think about them often.  It’s about trying to live each day without thinking about them.  Though sometimes I can think of the person, but only the person itself not talking about feelings anymore.  It’s just a matter of setting your mind that, that one person is no longer for you and that you have to move and look for brighter side of things.  Don’t dwell anymore on the past things, the good things you two share together, and the memories.  I know it could only lead to wanting that person or missing them more.  That’s not so right.  I used to do that before, whenever my bf and I broke up, he would apologize and I would just forgive him and get back with him again.  This time, let’s say I’m not merciful enough.  I’m thinking now of my self worth.  It’s about having a peace of mind by letting go of that someone.  Mind you, I was so in love with this person but there’s a point that I said to myself that this is enough and I have to be firm with my decisions.  I know things can still be resolved but only to his benefit but not for me.  I was thinking if I would try to fix things and get back with him? Do I feel happy? I know it would be a cycle again, kiss and make up and I’m so tired of that stuff.  I think one should learn a lesson that not all things could be done by apologies and only to find out doing the same mistake again.  I know it’s a burden on one’s part.  I know I can forgive but the scars won’t heal if I won’t totally let go of that person.  Yeah it’s sad, but I’m trying to be strong, strong enough that I won’t be touch by my emotions with so much self-pity from a guy.

In my situation, my bf of 2 years (my first bf), now my ex-bf, was trying to get a hold of me.  He did everything just so I would get back with him, but for me it’s too late.  It’s still useless, cuz he’s far away now.  I know he struggled a lot there to find a job, but one thing or another he taken me for granted, not only that, there are still private things that he did something and it really hurt me a lot, let’s just say he never respected me at some point.  He never valued me I guess, and he realized lately that he needed me.  He did all the explanations suffice it to say “bullsh*t reasons” just so I’m convince I would not break up with him.  But this time, I’m gonna say it’s over for good.  I’m ignoring all his calls and texts just so I could forget everything.  I’m enjoying my life here with my friends.  I’m really having a sense of fulfillment when I did bond with my friends.  This past few weeks, my classes is almost over and I did grab a chance to party, I didn’t even think what time I would go home, all I know is I’m doing it so that I couldn’t even think about him, and yeah it’s EFFECTIVE.  I met new people too, little did I know there are still good people around me, I didn’t even expect that there would be someone out there who cares for me more than my ex bf does.  But I wouldn’t jump into a new relationship that fast.  I’m just trying to observe and see what goes after this.  Well, I know it’s still fresh, and I thought to myself that it would take me a year I guess before I would try to have a new relationship.    All I know, is I’m happier than ever before.  I thought to myself there is still a life ahead of me and that I’m not gonna waste my time with so much drama in life. Let things do itself and I’m always praying to the Man above that he would guide me and give me more happiness in life.  That’s just about it, I learned that sometimes you have to let go of things that could be miserable to you.  As the saying goes, “you’re happy standing in the rain, but you know it could make you sick”.