Haven't updated my blog lately, well that's because over the past months, I don't have a love life, it's all good.  But then when my ex came back, the drama came in again.  I can't understand the relationship.  I get angry easily.  I always fight with him over stupid things, or I kept repeating the things he did to me.  Well, he really showed me lately that he's doing an effort just to be with me, he was struggling should I say.  So , I gave him another chance.  But I don't know, now that he's in my life.  I just thought that things won't change. 

There are just things that we can't jive.  But i love him.  He loves me too soo much. But I think there's lacking.  I don't know if I'm too perfectionist but there's not a day that I would get mad at him for some reasons.  I don't know if I'm happy enough or I don't really know.  I'm always over analyzing things.  Or maybe it's time for me to just be with another relationship.  I do care about him a lot, and so is he.... but I can't help sometimes but be paranoid of things.  When I do this , my bf would get so emotional and just try to cut  everytime I try to tell him that I want to just let go of him.  He's my first love and maybe if I should try someone out there then things would be great and that I don't keep on crying on random times.  I know my bf has his flaws but I can't just take it,, because i'm too good for him and I keep looking on his negative aspects.  I know this will sabotage our relationship, especially him cuz I end up being a nagger because he was once stupid before.  And I know right now he keeps trying to correct those mistakes but I'm not satisfied. 

Lots of people are saying that I should just let go and just ignore him but I am not doing it, I did once but once he came back I always accept him back.  I think I'm a bit stupid.  I know he's got problems with his family too, that's why he can't think straight and can affect sometimes our relationship.  I know he wants a person who will love him wholeheartedly, I can do it, but he's got an attitude that sometimes I couldn't take.  I don't know if the problem is with me or with him.  I always break up with him but we always got back together too.  I know he sacrificed a lot since then with the way I treated him.  I don't treat him good cuz he did bad things before.  Aside from that, he can't get a job, he doesn't have enough money to treat me somewhere else .  Sometimes we're stuck up at our house doing nothing also cuz he doesnt' want to go out, he kept visiting me at home but it's gets really boring cuz he can't take me to places to unwind ourselves.  He won't even bring a snack for me or a surprise gift.  Sometimes I got the money for my allowance but I couldn't just treat him elsewhere cuz I'm a girl, it's his responsible as a guy to get that for me.  I don't want also to end up providing for him or providing something for a date.  That's just so unfair too.  But one thing that sticks me to him is his being true to me, the way he showed how much he loves me.  But what's up with that, if he won't do something for himself to make me proud of him.  Sighhhh I just thought that when I finally graduate and he can't still find a job I would really let go of him for good.  I don't care if I hurt him.  But it's too stupid if by the time it comes I'd be the breadwinner and just spend my money for everything.  Sighhh

Ok so just today, I didn't know my ex is coming back here for me?  Well, the last time he talked to me he said he want to settle things and wanna come back because he can't take the pressure there working his butt.  He said he won't go back there anymore, because he realized I am more important than anyone else.  Mind you, I was soooo mad at him, I find him so annoying because he kept bugging me.  And early this time, about lunch time, he called me up that he's just arrived and that he wants to talk to me personally.  I was surprised also when his friend texted me saying that my bf went to their house and talk to them about me.  I lied to my bf that I'm out of town and that I'm coming back by June.  Well, by end of this month I would really leave here because I have an affiliation to do at school.  He won't believe me even if I was explaining to him, he really insisted that he wants to talk to me.  He never stopped calling, even if I was rejecting all his calls.  So, I told him once and for all on the text that "we're over, there's nothing he can do to change my mind" I don't love him and I hate him.  I even cursed him.  But he won't listen, cuz all he wants is just to talk to me.  But I don't want to give him a chance.  My head aches because all the time I was with my family, we were at the mall shopping some goods, he kept calling me.  Ughhhhh.  I really really hate it.  I want to cut all the ties with him.  I don't want to change my number though cuz I've changed for 3 times already and I'm too lazy to announce to everyone and forward messages to all about my new number. 

I told him that I'd be back by June.  He said he would wait for me.  He said even if for me we're already over, for him it's not, he still has the right.  I was like how come? we're not even married that you have the right?  He still hopes for us.  But I don't want him anymore because of all the mistakes he did.  To him, no matter how mean I am, he really wants me forever and he said I'm the person that he wanted to marry. 

What does he really want? Should I give him a chance to talk to me or not?  I really hate him now. 

I don't want to see his face, begging for me and asking for a chance again, cuz I'm so tired of it.  I wanna move on.