Tuesday, 21 July 2009
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im mad!
Haven't updated my blog lately, well that's because over the past months, I don't have a love life, it's all good. But then when my ex came back, the drama came in again. I can't understand the relationship. I get angry easily. I always fight with him over stupid things, or I kept repeating the things he did to me. Well, he really showed me lately that he's doing an effort just to be with me, he was struggling should I say. So , I gave him another chance. But I don't know, now that he's in my life. I just thought that things won't change.
There are just things that we can't jive. But i love him. He loves me too soo much. But I think there's lacking. I don't know if I'm too perfectionist but there's not a day that I would get mad at him for some reasons. I don't know if I'm happy enough or I don't really know. I'm always over analyzing things. Or maybe it's time for me to just be with another relationship. I do care about him a lot, and so is he.... but I can't help sometimes but be paranoid of things. When I do this , my bf would get so emotional and just try to cut everytime I try to tell him that I want to just let go of him. He's my first love and maybe if I should try someone out there then things would be great and that I don't keep on crying on random times. I know my bf has his flaws but I can't just take it,, because i'm too good for him and I keep looking on his negative aspects. I know this will sabotage our relationship, especially him cuz I end up being a nagger because he was once stupid before. And I know right now he keeps trying to correct those mistakes but I'm not satisfied.
Lots of people are saying that I should just let go and just ignore him but I am not doing it, I did once but once he came back I always accept him back. I think I'm a bit stupid. I know he's got problems with his family too, that's why he can't think straight and can affect sometimes our relationship. I know he wants a person who will love him wholeheartedly, I can do it, but he's got an attitude that sometimes I couldn't take. I don't know if the problem is with me or with him. I always break up with him but we always got back together too. I know he sacrificed a lot since then with the way I treated him. I don't treat him good cuz he did bad things before. Aside from that, he can't get a job, he doesn't have enough money to treat me somewhere else . Sometimes we're stuck up at our house doing nothing also cuz he doesnt' want to go out, he kept visiting me at home but it's gets really boring cuz he can't take me to places to unwind ourselves. He won't even bring a snack for me or a surprise gift. Sometimes I got the money for my allowance but I couldn't just treat him elsewhere cuz I'm a girl, it's his responsible as a guy to get that for me. I don't want also to end up providing for him or providing something for a date. That's just so unfair too. But one thing that sticks me to him is his being true to me, the way he showed how much he loves me. But what's up with that, if he won't do something for himself to make me proud of him. Sighhhh I just thought that when I finally graduate and he can't still find a job I would really let go of him for good. I don't care if I hurt him. But it's too stupid if by the time it comes I'd be the breadwinner and just spend my money for everything. Sighhh
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